Hollywater

They laughed at Edison.  Ha.  Wright brothers?  Ha, can’t be done.  They laughed at John McKinnon too, when he said he was going to bring big-time movie productions to Scituate, but like Thomas E. and the Wrights, McKinnon will have the last laugh, because he’s already signed two major motion pictures to begin filming in Scituate starting next week.

The first picture, a Merchant-Ivory production tentatively titled Two People Sitting Around Talking To Each Other, stars real-life husband and wife Tom Cruise and Nicole Kidman as Albert Einstein and Marie Antoinette, respectively.  The script calls for the two to meet, unexpectedly, in a time warp (the dining room at Barker Tavern), and spend the next two hours discussing the meaning of life.  Already, the trades are abuzz with rumors that Cruise has taken up reading, and speaking in complete sentences to prepare himself for the role. 

The second picture is a high concept Schwarzenegger flick titled Explosions.  The script, based on a bad dream one of the writers had after an ill-advised Mexican meal, centers around a computer virus that leaps from the internet into the real world, causing anything it comes in contact with to spontaneously explode. 

Arnold plays the heroic Town Manager who, before taking matters into his own hands, tries desperately to convince Town Meeting to appropriate 20 million dollars for a fleet of helicopters to save the citizenry from the impending disaster.  The helicopter appropriation article, revised on the floor of Town Meeting by the evil Selectmen, becomes a new $20 million fire station.  And, in a cruel plot-twist, short-sighted townies refuse even to appropriate $20 to install a phone from which Arnold can call for help.  Kim Basinger plays the sultry Town Clerk, who schemes with the evil Selectmen (John Travolta, Hal Holbrook, Jon Lovitz,  Howie Long and Wilford Brimley) to thwart Arnold’s plans while Meryl Streep plays the virtuous schoolteacher who finally captures Arnold’s heart while helping him save the town and stop the commuter rail.

The climactic scene in the movie will be one of the biggest special effects ever filmed.  As a fleet of 75 Bell Jet-Ranger helicopters zooms overhead at tree-top level, and ten thousand paratroopers of the 82d Airborne Division parachute down in a swath from Front Street to Rivermoor Beach, 20,000 pounds of dynamite strategically placed under Cobb Lane will blow Third Cliff into the sea.  According to Serge Ennui, special effects manager for the project, pieces of the seawall could land as far away as Minot Light.  When queried about the possibility of property damage,  Ennui replied, “C’est la vie, eh?.” He adds, cheerily that “everyone in town is invited to come out and watch the blast!”.  A spokesman for Columbia Pictures was, however, quick to note that every precaution would be taken to minimize the blast’s impact on the historic character of Hingham Center.

The production is not all gravy, by any means.  Along with the aforementioned destruction of Third Cliff, at some point, all the roads in town will be closed for a week so that the studio can shoot publicity stills of some of the more scenic intersections in town.  Since the movie is set in 1992, all cars newer than the 1992 model year will be banned from town for the duration of the production.  And finally, in a move that industry insiders claim is routine for waterfront productions, the harbor itself will be sealed off from the ocean, drained and filled with “more realistic looking water”.

Of course, some naysayers have questioned the value of such a production to the town.  To them, Arnold poses just one question: “Have you ever seen a union electrician eat?”.  In an effort to help us quantify the project’s potential economic impact Arnold’s production assistant provided me with the following example budget items from Arnold’s last movie, Burning Helicopters, Part Deux:

Antiques - miscellaneous            $75,000

Lodging - cast&crew     200@100$/night for 20 nights

Lodging - Arnold           1000$/night for 5 nights

Helicopters       75@$1,000,000 each

Explosives         $1,000,000

Insurance          $500

Mitigation          $200

Lobster 1000 pounds @7$/lb

Irish Moss         100 tons @$1000/ton

Real-estate       $1,000,000

Moorings          $18,000

As you can see, everyone, even the local helicopter dealer, stands to benefit handsomely should even a portion of this money be spent in Scituate. 

Interviewed by phone, Arnold was upbeat about the project and its potential impact on Scituate.  “Everybody loves the movies”, he said in his trademark Austrian growl.  “There’ll be lots of extras hired, and we’ll be looking for locals.  The exodus scene alone requires five hundred extras who are willing to be blown up along with that cute little neighborhood.  We could use mannequins of course, but I strive for realism in my movies, so I use real peasants whenever possible.”.  Is that Hollywood calling for some lucky locals?

And speaking of local stars, there will also be an open audition for the parts of Sparky and Lisa, Arnold’s youthful sidekicks.  Insufferably cute children between the ages of 7 and 17 who like to sing, dance, and generally ham it up are encouraged to tryout.  Preference WILL be given to orphans, and anyone with expertise handling explosives and firearms.  Noone will be allowed to enter without an FID.

And so, thanks to John McKinnon and the Chamber of Commerce, Scituate is once again on the move, and in the movies.  For those who chafed while Cohasset revelled in the glow of that timeless classic, The Witches of Eastwick, Explosions will indeed be sweet revenge. 

Don’t forget to tune in next week when I’ll answer the burning question, “Does having a B.C. High sticker in your window automatically make you a bad driver?”.  Until then, I’ll be seeing you - at the movies.

John Rodley is a local historic character with a strong profile, big smile, and a booming voice reminiscent of the young Orson Welles.