I Wanna Be Elected

After reading last weeks front page, I am convinced that the Mariner no longer needs me. In one page our intrepid reporters managed to discern a “restaurant war” going on somewhere in town, AND postulate the possibility of “a thinking person’s golf course.”

When it comes to the so-called “restaurant wars” we are a town of conscientious objectors.  A good bottle of wine would die of loneliness in this place.  In fact, if I ever felt like getting rich, I’d open a Taco Bell on Front Street (but with all that money I’d have to move to Duxbury and I’m just not ready for that).  As for the “thinking person’s golf course”, all I can say is “what would a thinking person be doing on a golf course?”  In any case, it’s clear that my absurdist humor has had its intended effect, and that noone at the Mariner has both oars in the water anymore. 

It’s equally clear that, since the news now makes fun of itself, I’ll soon be out of a job.  I can see it now, some 24 year old MBA in a three-piece suit will waft down from the big house on Congress Street, point the fickle finger of downsizing my way and I’ll be washed away like a Peggotty Beach house on a really high tide.  Well, I’m not waiting.  I’m getting out while the getting is good.  In fact, I already have another job lined up.  I’m gonna be a Selectman.

That’s right.  In this very column, I’m announcing my candidacy for Selectman.  I already have a motto picked out - “Vote for me, or else”.  To go along with my motto, I also have positions - hundreds of them.  Now some of you may have seen that report in the Ledger where I’m quoted as saying that I’m only running because I like hanging out down at the dump all day but I assure you that I was misquoted.  What I really said was, I’m running because I’m a visionary leader with lots of ideas.  Want to hear some?

My first priority would be to fix Town Meeting.  No disrespect intended, but the prayer that opened the last Town Meeting just didn’t cut it.  I went to twelve years of parochial school, and I know proper piety when I see it.  That wasn’t it.  If you elect me, we’ll open every Town Meeting with a full Latin Mass, including Communion.  If you’re all real good, maybe I’ll talk the padre into granting a General Absolution.  In fact, we could schedule the thing for round about 4 on a Saturday afternoon and kill two birds with one stone.

My second first priority would be to stop the brutal seizure of valuable swampland and parking spaces known as the Greenbush project.  There are plenty of rabid anti-trainers, but I’m not just a naysayer, I’m a problem-solver.  In fact, I’ve come up with my own alternative to the train.  Beginning Monday (or next Monday, or maybe the Monday after ...) the Scituate Commuter Slingshot will begin hurling commuters at businesses throughout the Boston area.  A 100 yard long rubber band strung between the goal posts down at the football field, the Slingshot has a range of 45 miles and is accurate to within 50 ft.  Imagine stepping into the sling at 8 o’clock in the morning, soaring over the expressway traffic at 200 miles per hour and landing at (or, more likely, on top of) your place of business a mere 7 minutes later.  With options like this, who needs the train?

My third first priority would be to take care of the sewage problem.  People ask me all the time, “John, where is all the sewage coming from?”  My response?  Hey, what do you think comes out of a sunburnt Irishman after a day out on the boat drinking beer and eating soggy subs?  I say shut down the bathroom at the Harbormaster’s office and our sewage worries are over.  Elmer will just have to go before he leaves for work in the morning.

An important part of running for office is promising to do wildly popular, but clearly illegal, immoral and/or impossible things once elected.  My favorite idea is one that was suggested to me by my close personal friend, the famous physicist, Richard Feynman.  The Scituate “peace-shield”, consisting of a 100 square mile boat landing net suspended on mile high poles erected around the edges of town, would give us ironclad protection against any air launched striper attack.  It would also protect us against air-launched cod and pogie attack, though a certain number of mackerel and small bluefish might slip through.

Just thinking of President Reagan gave me another great idea.  From close observation of the last three storms-of-the-century I’ve determined that moving the ocean back a mere quarter mile would protect the residents of Oceanside Drive, Turner Road and Cedar Point from all but the worst storms.  I won’t get bogged down in the details here.  Leave that to the scientists.

So you can see, when it comes to the job of leading Scituate into the 22d century, I’m your man.  Tune in next week when I disclose the hidden meaning of the color yellow in The Great Greenbush Conspiracy.

John Rodley is a public figure of unquestioned dedication and integrity who has been serving the people of Scituate more or less faithfully, off and on, for several weeks now.  His official campaign Web site is located at: www.rodley.com.