I spend most of my day in that nebulous netherworld called cyberspace, returning to Scituate only to eat, sleep and walk the dogs. This is more a matter of need (for money) than choice, but it’s provided me with a certain cyber-street-smarts. We’re all familiar with the stereotypical TV ghetto kid who can sniff out a cop a mile away. Well, transplant him to cyberspace, bleach him pasty white, give him a beard and a propeller beanie, and that’s me, tough kid on the cyber-block.
Every tough kid has to have a gang, and you’re mine. Didn’t know that, did you? That’s the mark of a true gang leader: he picks the gang, not vice-versa. Now if you’re gonna hang with me, there’s a few things you gotta realize. First of all, like any gang you gotta wear the right colors. For instance, wearing an AOL address to a cyber-rumble is like wearing a propeller-beanie to a street fight: an invitation to abuse. Here’s what your email address says about you out on the cyber-street:
AOL.com Loser. The stigma attached to an AOL address is hard to overstate or overcome. Walking into a net.conversation wearing an AOL address will cause you to be treated like an Alzheimers patient at a busy train station.
Compuserve.com Loser with a job. The only saving grace to C$erve is that it’s heavily oriented toward technology and money. The service itself is primitive and overpriced.
MSN.com Loser who got the microsoft junk mail BEFORE the AOL junk mail. Prototypical, wet behind the ears, born yesterday and just fell off the turnip truck sucker. Anyone who’d buy Microsoft when something else, anything else, is available should have his net access cut off til he gets a clue. The only benefit to having AOL and MSN people around is that it keeps the cyber-hucksters busy so the rest of us can do our thing.
anything.edu Pasty-white, barely post-adolescent, potential flame-thrower and spammer. Don’t tangle with him unless you’re handy with a 209A.
anything.gov Working stiff and potential net cop
root@, support@, postmaster@ or webmaster@ Net cop. Emailing any of these people is the net equivalent of dialing 911.
sales@ Salesman. Never let him see your net address or you’ll be digging through spam for the rest of your cyber-life.
As you can see, the judgement of the cyber-streets is harsh and swift. You haven’t said a word, and the bitheads have already pigeonholed you just by your address.
Now that you know what to wear, we gotta deal with how you act. There is no body language in cyberspace. What you say, when you say it and where is the sum total of your cyber-personality. Less is better. Remember, a typewritten page is 60 lines, a computer page only 25. Cute is OUT. Chatty messages that read like a letter to Aunt Gertrude are a hallmark of AOL people. On the more advanced side, never spell something that you can abbreviate, and never, ever ask someone what an abbreviation means. If you don’t know all the acronyms, you shouldn’t have gotten into the conversation. Use of capital letters is optional, punctuation discouraged. Email is all about speed. If you skip capitalizing, you can save precious nano-seconds. Same with punctuation. If you have enough time to punctuate properly, you’re not sending enough email and you’re probably not a very important net.person.
Usenet in particular is a very harsh environment, a daily war of the words, where many take perverse delight in cutting down newbies who make the mistake of identifying themselves as such. Wandering into a Usenet newsgroup and asking ”how do I join this group?” is the equivalent of wandering into The Flounder Inn and asking “anyone know where the Atlantic Ocean is?”. Another invitation to abuse. Not only are there net.bullies lying in wait, but there are also net.psychos who get their jollies starting flame wars. Thus, you always have to be on the lookout for flame bait. The classic example was the posting of a recipe for boiled cat. Obvious flame bait. Still, hundreds responded. Whenever you find yourself tempted to flame, think, was that message serious, or flame bait? You make the call.
The net is a tough place, but we’re a tough gang. And if you’re a cyber-dope right now, don’t despair. You have one advantage that dopes in real life don’t have: you can hang in cyberspace as long as you want, and nobody knows you’re there until you open your mouth.
Next week: why we should abolish the prefix “cyber”.
John Rodley is a local cyber-tough. He and his homies hang down at http://www.rodley.com.