Mr. Manners Guide to Successful Yard Saleing

I have no stuff.  Amazing as this may sound, everything I have belongs here.  This is because I have just successfully conducted my first, and last, yard sale.  For the most part, everyone behaved pretty well.  I did notice, however, that some of you are still struggling with the fine points of yard saleing.  To alleviate this problem, I’ve set down a few rules of thumb that should help both buyers and sellers navigate the treacherous waters of the yard sale season.

Rule #1: Never show up before 6:30 for an 8am yard sale.  You’re liable to catch the seller before his first cup of coffee, with predictable results. For the sellers, good sales technique suggests that you be nice to everyone.  On the other hand, I checked with the Archdiocese and anything you say to an early bird is covered by a special exemption to the “turn the other cheek” doctrine. Here are a few of my favorite Harsh Words for Early Birds.  Let your blood-sugar level be your guide.

“What are you, stupid or something?  Go away”.

“How is it you managed to follow the directions on how to get here, but you missed the part about No Early Birds?”

“Can you believe it?  You’re the second person to ask about furniture.  Too bad it’s all gone.  That nice man with the van hauled away all my great-great-grandmothers junky old furniture, and I only had to pay him $100.  He left about an hour ago.”

“Did I say Sunday?  No we started yesterday.  Thank God we got rid of all those stupid figurines and ratty old rugs.”

Rodley’s Corollary to the Early Bird Rule is “never schedule a yard sale to start before 10am”.

Rule #2:  If you really want a bargain, don’t haggle.  Just wait over at the Take It or Leave It pile at the dump.  For the sellers, the Take It or Leave It people are your friends (figuratively if not literally).  Think of them as the oil-eating microbes that the oil companies toss on spills.  Without them, the yard-sale process would leave an ugly junk-slick all over town.

Rule #3: Never haggle on items priced at 5 cents.  Even in the yard sale world, there is no monetary quantity smaller than a nickel.  For the sellers, you can give away items priced at twenty dollars, but never mark down items priced at 10 cents or less.  It makes you look spineless.

Rule #4: Never bring your dog to a yard sale. If you have any conscience at all you’re liable to feel a twinge when Fido ‘marks’ the sales floor.  At the very least, you’ll have to make some feeble excuse like “Gee, he never pees on MY lawn”.  For the sellers, if Fido marks the grass but not the sale items, grin and bear it.  If he hits a sale item, he owns it.

Rule #5: Talk to the sellers and try to smile, even if you find their junk revolting.  Just one friendly word automatically reduces the price of any item.  This is how our race guards against alien invasion:  unable to engage in yard-sale small talk, alien invaders wander about town overpaying for junk and eventually die off from lack of funds. 

Rule #6: Always park in the middle of the street.  This will endear you and the sellers to the neighbors.  It also serves as a signal to the rest of the yard salers that this is the place.  If there’s already someone parked in the middle of the street, use the neighbors lawn, but beware.  Many neighbors of habitual yard salers plant poison ivy along the property line.  For the sellers, don’t critique the buyer’s driving habits and parking skills until they’re on the way out.

Rule #7: If you’re not sure whether you want to stop at a sale or not, drive slowly past so your wife can check the stuff out.  If it’s real junk just laugh, point, and speed off.  For the sellers, make sure you have your super-soaker water cannon loaded and ready before the sale starts, but don’t fire at the drive-by until you see the wife make that sour, let’s-get-out-of-here face.

Rule #8: Always travel in a pack.  Like touring, yard saleing is a pack activity.  If you start saleing alone, wait for other salers to arrive, then follow them to the next sale.  This gives the sellers plenty of time to contemplate eternity between bursts of frenetic selling.  For the sellers, put a table and chair outside, with a radio, coffee, donut, and newspaper.  It’s gonna be a long day.

Rule #9: This one is for sellers only.  Signage is important.  Any telephone pole with more than 500 staples in it is a good place for a sign.  And don’t take down the old signs either.  Leave that for the heroic men and women of the Scituate Yard Sale Sign Cleanup Department.  Staple your sign onto any patch of bare wood and use plenty of staples, at least four preferably eight or ten.  Remember, the next hundred year storm is just around the corner.

Rule #10: This last one is also for sellers only, and was suggested by my wife.  Always make your husband count the money in his pocket BEFORE the sale begins.  Otherwise, you can’t tell whether you made, or lost money.

I hope these rules of thumb help some of you novice yard salers out there.  Remember, yard saleing is not a functional activity but a social duty and your only opportunity to ridicule the buying/collecting habits of your neighbors.  So get out there and buy, buy, buy.  And don’t forget to tune in next week when The Outer Marker returns to its roots, firing a salvo of uncalled-for cheap shots at The Historic Character of Hingham Center.

John Rodley is a man without stuff.  His newly junk-free online home is located at: http://www.rodley.com.