Addicted?  Take This Simple Test

Self-help is the addiction of the modern age, and we in the print media are active co-dependents.  You can’t pick up a newspaper or a magazine these days without some expert trying to diagnose your troubles for you.  The girl magazines - Vogue, Cosmo and Glamour - are especially helpful, routinely offering to test readers for every affliction from poor self-image to overactive libido.  And down south, a Dr. Foxworthy has been helping people self-diagnose the dread disease of redneckism with his extremely popular book, “You Might Be A Redneck”.  Fortunately, here in Scituate, poor self-image, overactive libido, and redneckism are not widespread problems.  Up here, the pop-affliction of the moment is addiction to the dulcet tones and impeccable grammar of the talking heads at WBUR.

Here, for your self-improvement, is a quick test to determine if you’re a WBUR junkie.

Do you know more about the West Bank than the North River?

Does hearing the BBC theme song on your car radio tell you you’re late for work?

Have you forgotten how obnoxious Chris Lydon’s TV show was?

Can you name the current Secretary of Energy but not the chairman of the Board of Selectmen?

Do you think that Christian Science is a mainstream news organization like Associated Press rather than a pretty strange little religion?

Did you skip the last town meeting because it conflicted with The Connection?

Do you know what the FA cup is?

Have you driven less than the speed limit on 128 because you were listening to NPR and forgot to speed?

Do you think Charlie Pierce and Elissa Ely are overexposed?

Can you name the major powers of the cricket world?

Do you worry about FIFA’s decision to split the World Cup between Japan and Korea?

Does the sound of a ringing telephone make you reach for the radio dial?

Have you ever sent email to anyone@bu.edu?

Do you look forward to your car making funny noises so you can call Car Talk?

Do you think Tom and Ray are as funny as Tom and Ray think they are?

Do you find yourself wishing that Tom and Ray’s mom had her own show?

Do you only watch television during “pledge week”?

Do your kids think Robin Lustig has a ‘cool’ name?

Have you installed a roof-top antenna to get better radio reception.

Have you ever listened to the entire first quarter of a BU football game because you forgot to change the station after Car Talk?

Have you ever listened to the entire first quarter of a Sunday mass because you forgot to change the station after Weekend Edition?

If you understood any of these jokes, or (heaven forbid) answered yes, you might be a BUR junkie.  What can you do about it?  Doctor Rodley prescribes a month of “America’s Funniest Home Videos”.  While that may not cure the addiction, it is at least sufficient punishment for thinking that you’re smarter than everyone else.  And in a nice Catholic town like this, what could be better medicine than a matched set of sin and penance?

So say your prayers and don’t forget to tune in next week when we explore the following zen paradox of tobacco legislation.  If it’s illegal to sell a cigarette to a minor, why isn’t it illegal for the minor to smoke it?

John Rodley is an insufferably superior ‘BUR junkie who can explain the problem in Burundi as well as the roots of the Cultural Revolution and the difficulties Manchester United face in their drive to the FA cup.  He is available to pontificate at you on all matters Scituate from his online perch at www.rodley.com.